Thoughts On Being Content

It's been a long time since I've arrived at where I am today. A long time since the journey and the excitement of growing at my craft has overshadowed the desire of being a full-time artist now, and I MEAN RIGHT NOW! lol. Honestly, for the past year I have really struggled with semi bouts of working depression and it all came to a head last week. I knew I was wrong and I was tired of feeling that way. It brought with it a certain desperation which doesn't really help one be creative or get better at your craft, but rather a desperation that says this is the only way to happiness. I simply know this isn't true. Though I lived like it was.

Since graduating college I completely forgot what I was all about and concerned with then, which was to just improve. Now it's; how do I get out there? Who do I contact to get further exposure? What events do I attend so my work gets noticed? When? How? So on... Completely devoid of the necessity to grow, my thoughts centered around how do I get to the next step. All the while forgetting that I've gotten to the next step by being concerned with growing as an artist. The next step comes organically. Now, I've been reminded of this many times by people I admire. Both friends and other artists who were kind enough to have an open ear. Though it never really sank in until recently when I realized that I had made success as an artist a bit of an idol in my life. I'm sick of that. I've reverted myself back to my college attitude of working to improve, challenging myself with difficult drawing projects, continuing to paint in oil and in the digital and overall enjoying my life NOW. Success isn't where happiness is. It can't be. It has to be here and now, and if success comes, it comes as beautiful icing on the cake.

So I've been busying myself with finishing off some commissions that were on my list of things to do. I've been rewriting From Death Til Now; it's my first real project and I want it to only get better. And I've been experimenting and working on other projects that hopefully are pushing me to get better. Other than those things, I am enjoying my wife and trying to get back to enjoying a day job (which is what I think really caused a lot of these feelings). So I just want to say to anyone else who has or is going through what I did (and still am honestly, these changes don't happen overnight) that while success is something to desire, it isn't something to be coveted or something that blinds us to what's important. So thank you to everyone who has talked with me throughout the past year and encouraged me, you're words have finally landed.

I know I'll always be that boy who in third grade saw a friend's homemade comic and knew what I wanted to do with my life... So now its back to the drawing board.